2.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down
the stairs.
1. Give a person a fish and you feed
them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to
the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they
notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
8.
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
10. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as
long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two
days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's
put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.